MEGA POST

So I have all sorts of thoughts brewing in my head right now. So let me hope I get them all out quickly before they disappear.

First clump:
This may seem obvious to some, but I just see things working well when you aren't trying to force things that aren't just gonna happen. This isn't always the case, but with some things, I see it to be true. For example, a woman desires to be pursued, but not by creepos. She wants the guy that is willing to lay a lot down for her and desires to lay it down. So even if a guy lays down something for her, but doesn't desire it, it can end in badness. For example, if a guy is just forcing something because he feels he has to, it can be bad, but what if he doesn't even realize he's doing it? You know when you get compliments that strie you because you didn't even think about that you were doing the thing or that it was a big deal? That's what I'm talking about. I love when I can do things for people that I don't realize I'm doing. So that seems a slight bit scatterbrained, but it also seems good, at least in my head.

Clump two:
WARNING: SPOILER FOR THE MOVIE, "THE LAST KISS"
Wow, never have I wrestled with a movie so much during it and enjoyed it come the end. It is in my opinion a very heart wrenching film that makes me sad. It makes people out as victims, victimizers, cheaters, charlatains, and immature people that can't get their act together. One review I saw for the film suggested that it was nothing more than a film glorifying teen angst. I see where they come from, but I see more. So what horrible crap goes down?

The main character has a girlfriend of 3 years that he gets pregnant, and then fools around on.
She then hates him forever and sees her perfect situation fall apart.
The college girl ten years his junior that he cheats with seems to be a girl searching for something that will fix her and make her feel whole and desirable again even at the expense of pain for others.
A friend of the lead is sleeping with every girl that will sleep with him and he lives this cycle and fears the idea of commitment more than all things.
A girl he hooks up with is a freak by all standards of the word, but she still desires to have him meet her parents because she likes him.
Another friend of the lead is held up by his old relationship with an ex-girlfriend and can't get past her. He wants to get out of everything he's in and try something new. On top of the struggle from that, his dad dies during the film
The last of the four main male characters is married with a child, and he can't handle his wife and her snappiness because of the stress with the child and he up and leaves her because it's easier to run.
The main character's girlfriend's mother is having a marriage crisis feeling undesired and she leaves him. She had been unfaithful years ago and he hadn't found out on top of that.
In a scene early in the movie, the four main men and a friend of their's are watching two strippers. There is also nudity is other parts of the movie and people drop more F-bombs than we dropped regular bombs on Berlin.

So I ask myself, why would I like this movie. Horrendous stuff happens, people are hurt, and the situations just aren't pretty. On top of that, it's a perfect breeding ground for making a man stumble physically. Well thankfully, I managed to get my eyes off the screen for te scenes that weren't exactly helpful to me and my thoughts. But at the core of this movie, I see pain and brokeness. Now, that can be called teen angst and it can be said that these people need to grow up. Well they are grown up, they just have a wound that cuts deep into them. They can't pinpoint it, and obviously the movie doesn't pinpoint it either, but it's there. These people have all been hurt somehow. You want to dislike some of the characters (especially that slutty college girl), but they all seem to have stuff, baggage, that makes them act the way they do. They are embracing their emotions and they are getting burnt by them. It hurts and they don't know how to deal, so it always ends in escape. Whether that escape is sleep, alcohol, or anything else, it just has to numb the pain. My heart ached watching this movie as the people faught through their different situations.
Then the movie tries to make itself have a happy ending. It tries to mend the different situations. The people try to fix their problems. Some of it is done well, some of it isn't, but I do see people seeking redemption, seeking something that will help them deal...something that isn't necessarily numbing. So the married man goes home to his wife and says that he won't live with her, but he'll take care of the kid. The man who loses his father goes on a road trip searching for something with his friend afraid of commitment. The parents get back together and want to work through their issues. The main character then goes and sleeps with the college girl because it's passionate, it's wild, and it's something he's not scared of. He THEN realizes the mistake he knew he was making, even though he knew where it was going from the beginning. He apologizes to his girlfriend and he tells her the truth, as ugly as it is, and then he must chase her and she must forgive him. The movie ends in a powerful scene with the lead sitting on the porch of his girlfriend's home waiting for days for her to let him in and talk. So it ends with him being let in. Bandages are all in place. People have fixed their stuff, and it's all good for now. But I still felt like I wanted to hurt for everything. Nothing was completely fixed, but they wanted to try. (NOTE, at this point I feel like I have thoughts to get out, but I'm rambling to put them together. Please be patient) It just appears to me to be a movie that doesn't even mean to spur these thoughts to me, but I see a movie that shows how messed up we are, tries every solution, thinks it lands on a good one, but there is still crap to deal with. So, basically I'm saying, the human state is messed up. It hurts, it sucks, but thanks be to God that there is something that will help us through it. It won't take away the pain, or make things easy, but it will help. An analogy from the Fall Retreat: When you touch the burner on the stove when it's hot, you pull your hand away. Yet the way to take away the pain would be to numb the wound. We would stick our hand on the stove and let the nerves be killed so we couldn't feel a thing. Instead we rip our hand off and deal with the pain in the best way possible and let it hurt us. The pain is an indicator of the wound itself. Maybe we should use the pain to find the injury and then work towards healing the injury.

One more thought....JUUUUUUUIIIIIIICCCCEEEEE!

A win for Illinois football. Not just a win, but a road win. Not just a road win, but a Division 1A win. Not just a D1-A win, but a Big Ten win. How incredible. The first since my freshman year!


Comment back and finish this for me folks! I-L-L

I feel the need to post something really inspirational

But I can't think of anything. Instead, I'll just say hi.

School is going well. Next week will be a doozie. I've got 3 exams and two lab reports due. YAY!...not.

I've realized this year, I'm a bit more efficient with my time, although not perfect to be sure. As of right now, I'm looking up jokes online, and preparing to jump right into my fluids homework. So when I get into that, and get it done, I will be done with my work for the week. Then I need to start into next week so I can get a head start.

Other thought. The Illini Life Fall Retreat was incredible. The speaker talked about the basic tenants of Jesus and how our identity comes from God, not from our actions or activities. That struck a chord as well as just being able to catch on to what gets us up/down in our lives and using our emotions, actions, and intellect as cues for how we really feel in a situation. The Game was also a success. We play a timed version of the game that was innovated years ago. I have been able to tweak it the last couple of years and be in charge of administrating it, and it's been a blast. People really had fun playing it and sliding around in the mud and such. Now, I think I will work on fluids work...Good day alls.

Best commercial spoof for nerds ever

This stab at the recent Mac campaign is great in the sole fact that it totally adds Linux, the OS that nerds love, to the mix.

Also, an extreme nerd joke for you.

WHY DO PROGRAMMERS ALWAYS CONFUSE HALLOWEEN AND CHRISTMAS?

OCT 31 = DEC 25

ROFL!!

I'm back with a vengeance now fools

You ever just get overtaken with an extreme joy. Something that you can't explain. Something that wells up inside of you and makes you want to dance, shout and jump up to the clouds. I just had one of those moments. Music did it this time. Some stuff is so melodic and amazing that I can't handle just listening. I feel like I want to participate. It makes your feet stomp, it makes your heart pound and it just gets you stoked for life. Wow, it's amazing.

Other thoughts...

• New iPods = Apple gets their market share dominance back. Who wouldn't want music that they could just clip onto their jeans in the form of the new Shuffle. The new Nanos harken back to the Mini stylistically, but they up the cool factor.
• The Nintendo Wii now officially comes out November 19. So I went to reserve one. They aren't preordering yet. But soon, I shall be on my way to having the most intense form of entertainment video gaming has provided in a long time. It's fun, unique, and it'll probably even make you sweat.
• So at SNG this week, Wayne mentioned something about following the Holy Spirit. He mentioned about how his relationship and his reaction everytime God told him to do sometime he would say "NO...alright." And I thought about that for myself. How often do I let little things slide. "Oh, you should go work out." "Go ahead and start your homework now." "Help that person." "Talk to that person." So I have been contemplating that thought this week. I really need to follow the spirit and the first inclinations from it instead of contemplating and rationalizing laziness and introvertedness.

Fo sho

Beta

So now I'm on blogger beta. This means I can do fancy things that will allow me to kill more time. So what's up Alan you may be asking? Why are you blogging again? BECAUSE I WANT TO AND I WANT TO LET PEOPLE KNOW WHAT'S UP...JERKS!

Now that I got rid of all of the naysayers. Let's see...

• Shawn McDonald = amazing. Thanks Emily. I've finally allowed myself to listen to his CD Ripen and it is just sooooooo good.
• I went to Terre Haute, Indiana yesterday. It was good. Jennee and I went to SMWC where my mom went to college to see the campus. It's really pretty. It was also an advantagous time to take a roadtrip as the price of gas is down much from previous weeks.
  
• I also went with a bunch of people to Curtis Apple Orchard yesterday. We had ourselves some wonderful apple picking/throwing and I got some apple cider.
• iTeam is going really well this year and I'm excited about the role I'm in this year and the ability it's giving me to learn how to lead and deal with different situations.
• Now I'm chillin' in Grainger Engineering Library, working on some ME340 homework.
• Pat Green just called me a big big failure. What a douche.
  

At this very moment, my voice is almost gone

So what up.

First off, I really must tell you all to take whatever measures you can to listen to a group called Mae. They have a myspace.com page. They have a purevolume.com page. They are amazing. Their cd, The Everglow, has blown me away and captured me for quite a while now. It's a cd of lyrics and music flowing together so beautifully that I can't imagine not being excited to not listen to it. It's has songs that hit on failure, love, grace, beauty, pain, and other things that buzzwords shouldn't be describing. I absolutely love it. So go buy it.

Now what else is going down.

• Illinois football is just big on miscues. We had a chance to beat Syracuse yesterday. They're not a good program by any means, but we made so many mistakes that they had to beat us. But there are some glimpses of hope in the form of young players like Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall. These are quick, athletic, smart guys who can be with us for a few years. They obviously need to improve, but I'm excited to see where they're going with this program.
• The Packers suck. They lost big time to the Bears. Of course it's hard to judge a team on one game. SOOOO, the Bears could just be really good, or both things could have been flukes. In any case, Alan's adult sports fanship doesn't look too good as he finds himself rooting for the Illini, Packers, and the last place Cubs. Awesome...
• So, do parents always have a favorite kid? This is a thought I've been contemplating. There are parents out there that definitely play favorites and neglect certain kids, but is it true that every parent has that? It's just a thought that I hadpresented to me and I'm trying to think through it.
• I have a serious issue staying awake once the sun goes down. My dad always says about college: Sleep, study, social life; choose 2. So this year I've probably been more on the side of study and social life, but Lord knows my body is trying to tell me otherwise. Especially when I watch movies. I think I'm gonna work on trying to take naps more often, because when I've done that this year, I've had far less trouble staying awake.
• Oh, so check this out. I'm finally getting a chance to play EA Sports NFL Head Coach this week as I borrowed it from a friend, and it's a lot of fun. It's definitely not fun in the normal sense of the word, and anybody seeing me play it wonders what the heck I see in it. But it's awesome. I've been going through the offseason pretty heavily lately, firing and rehiring coaches, signing players, and finally the NFL draft. The game definitely has some interesting GMs though that are looking for some interesting talent, as I managed to get Reggie Bush at the fifth pick with the Packers, and then in the second round with the fifth pick, I got Vince Young. I couldn't pass on that. It was amazing.
• I thought I had more to say, but I can't think of much else, so that's what I've got for ya'lls.
  

Hitting the Reset Button

So, yes, it is true. I still am alive. Yes, the truimphant return is upon us.

So why the title that I have placed upon this post?

Well, there are multiple reasons.
1) I haven't been on here in quite a while and I figured I'd let everybody know that I'm back and a bit different and you didn't get to observe those expressed on here.
2) In an attempt to deal with crap in my life, I've had to hit the reset button on things.


SOOOO, let's hit the serious stuff and then we can shoot the breeze.

Hitting the reset button has been big for me. Since school started, I've felt in a funk of some sort, and I've never been able to pinpoint it. I think it all stems from Satan, and basically that sucks. So I went through a lot of motions, kinda struggling. I've had to deal with feeling cut off from people, feeling useless, feeling unproductive, being unable to do things right, and basically completely questioning my worth to others as well as to myself and to an extent, God. So I went through my weeks, compliments meaning nothing and criticisms and mistakes cutting to my core. I couldn't pinpoint it and a lot of things went through my head. I still don't know what caused all of this other than the Great Deciever, but I tried to pinpoint it on my new responsibilities, my change in lifestyle (apartment, new girlfriend, etc.), and anything else I could think of. So I continued on my days, thinking people kept me around because it was polite or the right thing for them to do. I couldn't do my homework right, things I had been good at I was screwing up, my laundry cost more than I expected and no retailer would give a poor college student change for his cash without making a purchase, and the SNG anouncements weren't funny anymore. I felt like the pressures of the expectations from the world and myself were crushing in. So what did I do? I lashed out. I dropped f-bombs, I sulked, I got pissed, and finally I broke. I broke down crying playing touch football. I layed there on the grass, sweaty, teary eyed, and humble before God. I still didn't know what was going on. I cried out asking for help. AND oh boy did it come! I went to SNG that night with the pressure to be funny still on my shoulders, compliments from people still just rolling off, and the thought of a quote from Clinton baseball going through my head. "It takes 1000 atta baby's to erase 1 aww shit." (it's a quote guys...geeze) So I did anouncements, sat down, and heard God. He spoke so clearly to me through Wayne Wager that I knew our God was a living, breathing, amazing, personal, incomprehensible, and glorious being. God met me last night and hit my reset button. I prayed with Chris Ridgeway and we talked to God and I felt compliments striking clear because I knew God was validating my through this. I was ready for his hand to touch me. Amen, God is sooo good. I can just smile now, and sit in wonder! AMEN!


NOW, the rest of the reset button stuff

I really am enjoying this year so far. It's gonna be tough and there have been times I've wanted to give up on school....already. But I've gotten through so far, and it's been great. I have the awesome opportunities to hang with Jennee, my girlfriend for those not in the know, and it's been amazing. We've prayed, hung, and really gotten to enjoy eachother with God. I've gotten to hang with my roomies, watching sports, playing video games, and squirting people walking on the sidewalk below. I've gotten to meet some fun new people, and I had a grizzly beard going on for a while. I have my room pretty much organized and decorated finally. I have many posters up ranging from a "What to do when there are snakes on a plane" instruction guide, to a Cubs pennant from 1989, to Star Wars, to National Parks posters. My bed has storage underneath as it has been raised about a foot above the ground. In an apartment as small as ours, it's very important to maximize space and so I have gotten a rack of hanging shelves and it seems like my systems are working. So far this year I've been fairly faithful to working out and taking care of my body, although sometimes I think it doesn't seem that way. I've been eating lunches with different people as I have free time in the middle of my day and I've really just been enjoying life to an extent. Obviously that has been tainted by my feelings about myself, etc. But it's still been fun, and slightly a blur. There are some things to remedy, but all will be amazing and glorious come time, whenever that time will be.

1 Peter 5:10